This is going to be a dumb whiny post about how I’ve been feeling, so I would suggest you keep scrolling if you’re reading this. Unless you like reading posts like this, which in that case you probably are either a mean person for enjoying people in pain or a caring person who doesn’t like seeing people in pain and wants to help. To each their own I suppose. I just need to vent, and I don’t want to burden my friends with my troubles.

I’ve been having a terrible December. It’s just been too much emotional stuff. The real main thing that’s been the issue is that my boyfriend and I have been having issues for the first time. I guess I can understand we were due for it since we’ve been dating for a year and three months without a single issue, but it still sucks. I’ve been telling him what to do too much. He’s been really distant. It’s hurting my feelings a lot. I feel like he doesn’t care if I’m with him or if I’m not. I called for a break from him for a while, and I’m thinking that’s a bad idea. It’s just making me feel depressed, and it’s almost Christmas. I don’t think there’s been a time since yesterday that tears weren’t running down my face. Maybe it’ll be good for him though. Maybe he’ll miss me and start fighting to keep our relationship afloat like I’ve been, or maybe he won’t and things will end. I’d rather be in either of scenarios those instead of this limbo shit. I just want to get it over with. But for now, I’ll just have to wait.

There’s a quote from Oscar Wilde that says “Don’t love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.” I keep thinking about it because that’s how I feel with him now. Just ordinary, and disposable.

I almost always feel a bit uncomfortable when people treat me with kindness.
Not that I don’t like it or appreciate it, because I sure as hell do.
It’s just weird. I’m used to treating people with kindness and them treating me just averagely, or terribly.
Like I’m on guard recently because I don’t understand why everyone is treating me so nicely. I feel like it’s going to turn out to be a big sham and I’ll just be hurt worse than if they were just mean to me.
I don’t feel like I deserve this treatment. It has to be too good to be true. 

I didn’t even realize it until I was walking alone by myself at the same spot I was mugged at and I looked at my phone.
I just thought it was odd that I had exactly what I had with me when I was mugged, and went for exactly what I went out for that day.
I wasn’t scared at all.
Because, Ryan, although you made a year of my life a living hell, and you may be living 20 minutes away and walking the streets freely, you have no power over me anymore. None.
I’m free. 

Pardon me while I freak out.

I may not have the best house. I may not wear the best clothes. I may not have an endless supply of money.

But I am rich.

I am rich in the amount of contentment I have in my life and the amount of people in my life who love me and I love in return.

No amount of money could ever replace that.

So my birthday is this Sunday, October 7th.
I’m so excited. My dad is coming down from the 5th to the 10th. I haven’t seen him in 3 years, and my 3 year old baby brother (: 
I’m going to cry when I see them. I’ve missed them so much. 

I keep getting really scared that I’m going to get hurt and then try to put up a wall but I can’t. I just can’t. I guess I’m just going to have to feel all of it if what I’m afraid of comes true.

Why.

Trust is a tricky topic with me.
The only people I am absolutely 100% positive will never break my trust is my mother and my brother.
That’s it.
Trust is like glass: Once broken, it shatters. To repair it, you must search for all the pieces and put it back together.It will take a lot of time and effort to put it back together, but the lines from where it shattered will still be visible. You can try to minimize the cracks, but they will still always be there. It will never completely be whole again.
I give my trust away far too easily. It’s who I am.
I often regret it.
Far too many people in my life have thrown it away like it’s nothing, and I’m left feeling worthless.
This time reverted me back to how I was about trust last summer. How I was with my trauma last summer.
All that fixing you did? It’s gone. 

Ever wonder how people would react if you just disappeared?

I hate when it rains.
It’s like the sky is crying. How can you enjoy that?
I’ve always kind of looked at thunder and lightning like sobs, and rain as tears.
It makes me feel bad. 

Well, college sucks. Oh well I only have to go 27 more times, but my teachers are cool.

This Anatomy and Physiology class is going to be the death of me.
(I don’t care I’m loving it anyways.)

I start college tomorrow.
I’m really terrified. I don’t know what I’m doing at all. I don’t know anyone who’s going to the college I’m at at the same time I am.
I’ve been really excited to start college since April, but now that it’s a day away I’m on the verge of a panic attack.
I hope people take me seriously, but I doubt it.
Wish me luck. 

Please don’t be offended if I ever put random walls up. I don’t do it on purpose. It happens when I feel the most vulnerable with somebody, and then I put it up for everyone.
If I ever go back to the quiet self you only saw when you first met me, please understand that it’s because I have a really hard time trusting people. I don’t want to be hurt and used again.

I will never understand why people have to use substances to be happy.

I can’t not discuss this, because it was that intense that if I don’t write it down I’ll be thinking about it for a while, and that is not what I want.
My heart is not completely free of cracks like I thought. They will slowly fade to scars, but they’ll always be there. I just hope you’ll bear with me knowing that.
Dallas (my boyfriend) and I were discussing 9th grade tonight, and a part of it that I had long pushed as deep down as I possibly could surfaced.
If pain was on a scale of 1 to 10, I would say this was an 11. It felt like I was literally stabbed in the chest. I’m not exaggerating this by any means.
It took every ounce of will power I had not to start screaming.
Trauma sucks.